The Pickup Artist

I am a girl. Flat-out statement of fact. Funnily enough, being a woman doesn’t give me any kind of credibility in what I’m about to write, but I thought I should get it out of the way.

I, a reasonably intelligent, brunette, blue eyed, 5’4″ish female just finished The Pickup Artist, by a man audacious enough to share all his secrets and still take the nom de plume “Mystery.” Now, this book is exactly what it sounds like.  A lesson in the art of picking up women.

Now, I will read almost anything with a pink cover or sparkles. They are usually the ultimate brain candy, and exactly what I need after I finish a semester. For the most part, I adore these books. No lies. They are just cheesy enough to enjoy, but not so cheesy that they make you sick. In the cheese world, they are the cheddar, and not the Gouda. Now, this may seem like useless information, considering the book is silver with a stilettoed silhouette, but in our lovely library, which hardly ever carries the books I want to read, it was sitting there, amongst the pinks and glitterers.  So, I thought it was about time for me to learn to pick up women from the master.

In the beginning, God created the heaven and the earth, and in the beginning, “Mystery” created boredom.  I was slogging my way through (and trying so hard to figure out how he got women when he couldn’t even keep my attention for longer than a page or two) when I read what may have been the most marvelous analogy for a grown man to use.

 At the zenith, the pinnacle of manliness stands (and stares) . . . a Care Bear. He likens the dazzling and entertaining of groups to a Care Bear stare. Which, as we should all know, showers people with kind feelings and happiness. Your charm will set you apart.

Funnily enough, this man, who lectures other men to emulate soft, cuddly animals is, himself, more like a snake. Pulling on the image of the serpent from the Garden of Eden, he tempts Eve away with promises. And why does his approach work?

Well, he doesn’t scare women off by coming on too strong. Thank goodness. I say this as someone who has changed train cars in order to get away from a persistent suitor, endured the agony of someone comparing me to Kim Kardashian, despite the fact that I’m not 5’2, super sassy socialite, even with my fevered prayers to every deity in existence; and pretended a stranger was my mother to get away from the man following me around in the bookstore and yapping like an obnoxious lap dog. And, as this is the case, I feel qualified to say “props to you” for trying something new.

10 Things I learned from this book:

  1. Some guys are exactly as sleazy as you think they are.
  2. Girls like being chased, but they also like controlling the situation.
  3. Guys like being chased.
  4. Guys like chasing.
  5. Ideally, a guy weasels a girl that he is interested in into hitting on him.
  6. Rhett Butler is the bomb.
  7. I need to see Top Gun and Pretty Woman again. Some of those references went right over my head.
  8. Respect for women isn’t lost. It’s just been altered almost to an unrecognizable state.
  9. “Most guys out there aren’t stimulating a woman’s imagination and feelings- instead they are boring her by asking what she does for a living, and whether she has a boyfriend.”- p.108. (This is the part all guys should read. It might keep girls from smiling politely and walking away from the conversation. Just sayin’.)
  10. Nice guys may not be what a girl is looking for, but, hey, if you’re into role play, you can pretend to be a jerk until you get married. Or, broken up with. Whatever floats your boat.

5 Thoughts I Had While Reading:

  1. Why in the name of all that is good and holy am I reading this?
  2. If this is how you scam on girls in night clubs, what do you do in libraries? Look for the girls browsing through Lady Chatterley’s Lover, psychology books on daddy issues, or trashy romance novels?
  3. Is Hugh Hefner dead yet?
  4. I hope that someday I can look back on this and think, “That was a good use of brain space.”
  5. On reading, “Stay out of the trap. It’s a trap.”- p.96 I was thinking:


1 Quote, which made me go, “Awww,” which is usually reserved for puppies and babies:

“But the ones who consistently get the girls prefer to call them ladies because they realize the worth of them, because it took years of work to get good enough to consistently get the girls. I love women. They are so wonderful. I didn’t work this hard for just anyone.”


And, that is a take away, ladies and gentlemen.  =)

Site for the book